On the state of the nation address

Our beloved new state president, the very honourable Mr Кири́лл Ramaphosa, made his state of the nation address.  I wasn’t there to heckle him, and neither would I have if I was there.  It takes a while for the complete stupid of what they are saying to think in.  However, President Ramaphosa should sharply rebuke his speech writer for writing and putting in his hand possibly the most disturbing state of the nation speech ever: it says that they’re going full racist communist crazy on us, and we must smile and expect it to go well.  He should also have sharply rebuked the man who loudly sang his praises – a flattering mouth worketh ruin.

I have some thoughts. The president’s words are in normal text. What he did not say is in bold:

State of the Nation Address by the President of the Republic of South Africa, Mr Cyril Ramaphosa, 16 February 2018, Parliament

Speaker of the National Assembly, Ms Baleka Mbete, Chairperson of the National Council of Provinces, Ms Thandi Modise, Deputy Speaker of the National Assembly and Deputy Chairperson of the NCOP, Former President Thabo Mbeki, Former Deputy President FW de Klerk, Chief Justice Mogoeng Mogoeng and all esteemed members of the judiciary, Ministers and Deputy Ministers, Premiers and Speakers of Provincial Legislatures, Chairperson of SALGA and all Executive Mayors present, The Heads of Chapter 9 Institutions, Chairperson of the National House of Traditional Leaders, Leaders of faith based organisations, Former Speaker Dr Frene Ginwala, Former Speaker Mr Max Sisulu, Invited Guests, Veterans of the struggle for liberation, Members of the Diplomatic Corps, Honourable members, Fellow South Africans,

It is a great honour and privilege to deliver this State of the Nation Address. But seeing I am the president, I guess I had better do it.

This Address should have been delivered last week, but was delayed so that we could properly manage issues of political transition.   Had to get rid of JZ first. Sorry about that.

I wish to thank Honourable Members and the people of South Africa for their patience and forbearance.

I also wish to extend a word of gratitude to former President Jacob Zuma for the manner in which he approached this difficult and sensitive process.

I wish to thank him for his service to the nation during his two terms as President of the Republic, during which the country made significant progress in several areas of development.

But keep listening – we’re gonna get him and all his buddies.

Fellow South Africans,

In just over 150 days from now, the peoples of the world will unite in celebrating the 100th anniversary of the birth of Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela.

Please excuse me. I’m busy that day.

It is a day on which we, as South Africans, will remember the life of one of the most remarkable leaders this country and this continent – and indeed, the world – has known.

We will recount Madiba’s long walk to freedom, his wisdom, his unfailing humility, his abiding compassion and his essential integrity.

Particularly his unflinchingly moral standard as applied to his wives.

We have dedicated this year to his memory and we will devote our every action, every effort, every utterance to the realisation of his vision of a democratic, just and equitable society.

Because nobody ever thought of this idea before saint Nelson did.

Guided by his example, we will use this year to reinforce our commitment to ethical behaviour and ethical leadership.

In celebrating the centenary of Nelson Mandela we are not merely honouring the past, we are building the future.

We are continuing the long walk he began, to build a society in which all may be free, in which all may be equal before the law and in which all may share in the wealth of our land and have a better life.

And when I say “Equal before the law” I don’t apply that to affirmative action and broad baste racial economic empowerment.  Our law pretends that people are different based on the colour of their skin and the language they speak.  Apart from that, everyone is equal.  Some are just more equal than others.

We are building a country where a person’s prospects are determined by their own initiative and hard work, and not by the colour of their skin, place of birth, gender, language or income of their parents.  Yes, a utopia where your parents work as hard as they can, and then you are cast on the mercies of the government because you dare not succeed without the support of the government.

This year, we also celebrate the centenary of another giant of our struggle, Albertina Nontsikelelo Sisulu.

Through her remarkable life and outstanding contribution, she defined what it means to be a freedom fighter, a leader and a diligent and disciplined servant of the people.

Through her leadership, she embodied the fundamental link between national liberation and gender emancipation.

As we mark her centenary, we reaffirm that no liberation can be complete and no nation can be free until its women are free.

And that, little girls, is why we are going to make you all work under the supervision of men, in companies. Forget being a wife and mother: that prospect is gone forever. You’re married to the state now.

We honour this son and this daughter of the African soil in a year of change, in a year of renewal, in a year of hope.

We honour them not only in word, but, more importantly, in direct action towards the achievement of their shared vision of a better society.

We should honour Madiba by putting behind us the era of discord, disunity and disillusionment.

Please don’t do to me what you did to Zuma, because, you know, the ancestors.

We should put behind us the era of diminishing trust in public institutions and weakened confidence in leaders.

We should put all the negativity that has dogged our country behind us because a new dawn is upon us.

It is a new dawn that is inspired by our collective memory of Nelson Mandela and the changes that are unfolding.

As we rid our minds of all negativity, we should reaffirm our belief that South Africa belongs to all who live in it.

Citizenship now means nothing.  All you have to do is live in the country, and you’re a co-owner. But not to worry, we’re abolishing private property protections, so it actually belongs to us, the ANC, only.

For though we are a diverse people, we are one nation.

There are 57 million of us, each with different histories, languages, cultures, experiences, views and interests.

Yet we are bound together by a common destiny.  We’re all going to die.

For this, we owe much to our forebearers – people like Pixley ka Seme, Charlotte Maxeke and Chief Albert Luthuli – who understood the necessity of the unity and harmony of all the people of this great land.  Maybe that’s three bears, but that’s not the point.

I just want to remind you of the great respect and reverence I have for the ancestors you worship, just in case I haven’t said it enough already.

We are a nation at one.  Sounds cool, doesn’t it?

We are one people, committed to work together to find jobs for our youth; to build factories and roads, houses and clinics; to prepare our children for a world of change and progress; to build cities and towns where families may be safe, productive and content.

We’re going to build a new city? Really? Where will this city be? Wait – cities? More than one? This sounds great. Can’t wait to hear the details. As far as I know, the only new town is Orania – but we’re going to build cities and towns.

We are determined to build a society defined by decency and integrity, that does not tolerate the plunder of public resources, nor the theft by corporate criminals of the hard-earned savings of ordinary people.  We just don’t have any idea how to do this.

While there are many issues on which we may differ, on these fundamental matters, we are at one.  We think that goals are fundamental matters.

We know that there is still a lot that divides us.

We remain a highly unequal society, in which poverty and prosperity are still defined by race and gender.  So all you white skinned males, we’re coming for you.

We have been given the responsibility to build a new nation, to confront the injustices of the past and the inequalities of the present.  And just who gave this responsibility? When will these injustices be brought before the court, and the offenders punished?  Not so obvious.

We are called upon to do so under difficult conditions.

You want to do something stupid, so of course it’s difficult. The way of offenders is hard.

The state we are in as a nation is that while poverty declined significantly following the democratic breakthrough of 1994, we have seen reverses in recent years.

Poverty levels rose in 2015, unemployment has gone up and inequality has persisted.  Statistics for the last two years, sadly, are not available.

For several years our economy has not grown at the pace needed to create enough jobs or lift our people out of poverty.  Eish.

Public finances have been constrained, limiting the ability of government to expand its investment in economic and social development.  Eish.

Despite these challenging conditions, we have managed – working together – to achieve progress in improving the lives of our people.  We are that amazing.

Even under conditions of weak growth, our economy has created jobs, but not at the pace required to absorb new entrants into the labour market.

So actually we are failing. We’re not failing as badly as you think, but we really are failing.

This means that as we pursue higher levels of economic growth and investment, we need to take additional measures to reduce poverty and meet the needs of the unemployed.

Yes, by stifling existing businesses in reams of racist and stupid legislation, unequally enforced.

Since the start of the current Parliament, our public employment programmes have created more than 3.2 million work opportunities.

A work opportunity is that you can work for a day? That sounds like 365 people have been employed for 365 days for 24 years. What an amazing achievement.

In the context of widespread unemployment, they continue to provide much needed income, work experience and training.

We have taken measures to reduce the cost of living, especially for the poor.

Government’s free basic services programme currently supports more than 3.5 million indigent households.

More than 17 million social grants are paid each month, benefiting nearly a third of the population.

These people all vote for us. We need them to be happy. We’re stuffing up the system, but don’t let that bother you.

We know, however, that if we are to break the cycle of poverty, we need to educate the children of the poor.

We have insisted that this should start in early childhood.

Yes, and we also insist that every mother should be single, and should work. Marriage is not even a thing. We haven’t considered it at all.

Today we have nearly a million children in early childhood development facilities.  While their mothers are out working some menial job.

We are seeing improvements in the outcomes of our basic education system.  Now that we got rid of outcomes based education.  Progress is when we stop stuff we used to do.

The matric pass rate increased from 60.6 percent in 2009 to 75.1 percent last year.  And the qualification is almost universally considered useless.

There are currently almost a million students enrolled in higher education, up from just over 500,000 in 1994.  Not that we are teaching them anything useful.

As we enter a new era, we are determined to build on these achievements, confront the challenges we face and accelerate progress in building a more prosperous and equitable society.

What’s equity doing in this sentence? We’re still after our enemies: the citizens who are not our favoured people, who do not honour us with their vote. We’re gonna get them.

We have seen a moderate recovery in our economy and a broader, sustained recovery in the global economy.

This is surprising, since we’re coming out of a major drought into a minor drought.

Commodity prices have improved, the stock market has risen, the rand has strengthened and there are early indications that investor confidence is on the rise.

Not to worry, I’m going to sort out that investor confidence thing. Investors hate theft.

We have taken decisive measures to address concerns about political instability and are committed to ensure policy certainty and consistency.

Yes: our new policy is nothing like our old policy, and we’re going to be consistent about that.

There is a greater sense of optimism among our people.  They didn’t see this speech coming.

Our people are hopeful about the future.  Maybe one day they will get a different government.

Business confidence among South African companies has improved and foreign investors are looking anew at opportunities in our country.  They’re taking a second look, because the place is unstable.

Some financial institutions have identified South Africa as one of the hot emerging markets for 2018.  If you have your money in those institutions, maybe you should look at moving it somewhere else.

Our task, as South Africans, is to seize this moment of hope and renewal, and to work together to ensure that it makes a meaningful difference in the lives of our people.  And while we’re seizing stuff, let’s talk about the assets and the means of production.

This year, we will be initiating measures to set the country on a new path of growth, employment and transformation.

We will do this by getting social partners in our country to collaborate in building a social compact on which we will create drivers of economic recovery.

Everything is up for grabs: who will be the social partners, what will be the new social compact … nobody knows.

We have to build further on the collaboration with business and labour to restore confidence and prevent an investment downgrade.

Because business cannot possibly be left to get on with business. They have to spend their time unproductively collaborating with government. Not to forget that government will take the side of labour and ensure that nothing gets done.

Tough decisions have to be made to close our fiscal gap, stabilise our debt and restore our state-owned enterprises to health.

Yeah, we’re going to push up taxes and borrow more money. In a stable way.

At the centre of our national agenda in 2018 is the creation of jobs, especially for the youth.

Yes, these youth that we have trained to be immoral and undisciplined, whom we have told that they are nothing more than evolved apes. We’re going to make them jobs. You’re gonna want to hire one.

We are going to embark on a number of measures to address the unemployment challenge.

One of the initiatives will be to convene a Jobs Summit within the next few months to align the efforts of every sector and every stakeholder behind the imperative of job creation.

We’re going to talk. If we could just agree on what a job is then everything will come right.

The summit will look at what we need to do to ensure our economy grows and becomes more productive, that companies invest on a far greater scale, that workers are better equipped, and that our economic infrastructure is expanded.

We haven’t a clue how this works. That’s why we’re going to sit you all down in a room and tell you how little we know.

We will expect this summit to come up with practical solutions and initiatives that will be implemented immediately.

Our expectations are completely realistic.

We will make a major push this year to encourage significant new investment in our economy.

We’re looking for suckers who love promises and are interested in losing their money.

To this end, we will organise an Investment Conference in the next three months, targeting both domestic and international investors, to market the compelling investment opportunities to be found in our country.

Yeah. We know that conferences are the thing that drive investment.

We are going to address the decline over many years of our manufacturing capacity, which has deeply affected employment and exports.

We’re going to fix it by ramping up our bad behaviour.

We will seek to re-industrialise on a scale and at a pace that draws millions of job seekers into the economy.

Well good luck to you then. Those millions are happy to sit on the sidelines and collect indigent benefits.

We are going to promote greater investment in key manufacturing sectors through the strategic use of incentives and other measures.

Yeah. Incentives: like not being able to make a profit, like being held to ransom by the labour force, like being plundered by criminals, and being able to complete a form and maybe get some gravy from the trough.

To further stimulate manufacturing, we will forge ahead with the localisation programme, through which products like textile, clothing, furniture, rail rolling stock and water meters are designated for local procurement.

And where will the locals get it? From international producers, of course.  But seriously, what could possibly be so hard about knocking together chipboard and calling it furniture?

We have already spent more than R57 billion on locally-produced goods that may have been imported from other countries.  Ah yes, we know.  Cheap at twice the price.

Special economic zones remain important instruments we will use to attract strategic foreign and domestic direct investment and build targeted industrial capabilities and establish new industrial hubs.  There won’t be anything special about these zones, such as exemption from taxation, exemption from labour regulations, exemption from BEE, excemption from import and export restrictions. No, they are just special in that we call them special.

The process of industrialisation must be underpinned by transformation.  And that’s how we’re going to make sure it fails. And who will we blame? Those untransformed racist white males.

Through measures like preferential procurement and the black industrialists programme, we are developing a new generation of black and women producers that are able to build enterprises of significant scale and capability.

We’re developing and developing. One day there will be someone that actually produces.

We will improve our capacity to support black professionals, deal decisively with companies that resist transformation, use competition policy to open markets up to new black entrants, and invest in the development of businesses in townships and rural areas.  We’re racists. We don’t even care that they are from South Africa: just as long as they are black. Oh, but Indians that are black need not apply.

Radical economic transformation requires that we fundamentally improve the position of black women and communities in the economy, ensuring that they are owners, managers, producers and financiers.  Yeah, because we can’t possibly have these women staying at home, guiding the house, and bringing up children. That’s ridiculous.

Our most grave and most pressing challenge is youth unemployment.

Nobody wants the kind of entitled sloth we are churning out of our dysfunctional schools.

It is therefore a matter of great urgency that we draw young people in far greater numbers into productive economic activity.

We’re going to dangle diamond encrusted carrots in front of the eyes of the entitled slothful youth.

Young South Africans will be moved to the centre of our economic agenda.

If we can move them at all, then that’s where they’re going.

They are already forming a greater proportion of the labour force on our infrastructure projects and are the primary beneficiaries of programmes such as the installation of solar water heaters and the war on leaks.

We are training a generation of plumbers. You can’t say we’re doing nothing.

We continue to draw young people in far greater numbers into productive economic activity through programmes such as the Employment Tax Incentive.

Because red tape makes jobs.

Working in partnership with business, organised labour and community representatives, we are creating opportunities for young people to be exposed to the world of work through internships, apprenticeships, mentorship and entrepreneurship.

Because red tape makes jobs.

Next month, we will launch the Youth Employment Service initiative, which will place unemployed youth in paid internships in companies across the economy.

Because red tape makes jobs.

Together with our partners in business, we have agreed to create a million such internships in the next three years.

Because red tape makes jobs.

If we are to respond effectively to the needs of youth, it is essential that young people articulate their views and are able to engage with government at the highest level.

Yeah, we wanna hear from you kids. We’re going to ignore everything you say. Notice how I did not give you my e-mail address or my direct number. Ha ha lol.

I will therefore be establishing a Youth Working Group that is representative of all young South Africans to ensure that our policies and programmes advance their interests.

Is work too hard for you? Well, maybe you want to join the young communist pioneers and rat on your fellow citizens.

Infrastructure investment is key to our efforts to grow the economy, create jobs, empower small businesses and provide services to our people.

We have invested heavily in new roads, power stations, schools and other infrastructure.

As some of our projects are taking time to get off the ground and to enhance our efforts, I will assemble a team to speed up implementation of new projects, particularly water projects, health facilities and road maintenance.

We’ve thrown millions at this already. Can’t figure out what’s wrong. I hope someone will tell me.

We have learnt some valuable lessons from our experience in building all the new infrastructure, which will inform our way ahead.

The people who are failing at this task are leading us a merry dance.

We will focus on improvements in our budget and monitoring systems, improve the integration of projects and build a broad compact on infrastructure with business and organised labour.

We’re going to try stop that thing where people take the money and don’t do the job, and still get paid. Maybe someone else from business or labour or somewhere will do that for us.  Okay, so we’re going to do nothing, but we hope it will stop.

Mining is another area that has massive unrealised potential for growth and job creation is mining.

Yeah. All the mineral resources are now in the hands of government, so we can’t figure out why nobody wants to come and talk to us about it.

We need to see mining as a sunrise industry.

We’re very hopeful. We were facing sunset, but if this is sunrise, then it’s going to be a very dark day.

With the revival in commodity prices, we are determined to work with mining companies, unions and communities to grow the sector, attract new investment, create jobs and set the industry on a new path of transformation and sustainability.

More red tape and interfering government officials.

This year, we will intensify engagements with all stakeholders on the Mining Charter to ensure that it is truly an effective instrument to sustainably transform the face of mining in South Africa.

When I said policy certainty, I was joking. We’re gonna do something wild. You’ll all be very please with the result.

By working together, in a genuine partnership, underscored by trust and a shared vision, I am certain we will be able to resolve the current impasse and agree on a Charter that both accelerates transformation and grows this vital sector of our economy.

They’re going to trust us, and then we’re going to stab them in the back. It will all happen suddenly, and we’re going to rule as kings.

Processing of the MPRDA Amendment Bill through both houses of parliament is at an advanced stage, with an indication by Parliament that the Bill will reasonably be finalised during the first quarter of 2018.

This is a doubly extended three leter acronym ammendment bill. Don’t think about this. Just trust us.

The Bill, once enacted into law, will entrench existing regulatory certainty, provide for security of tenure and advance the socio-economic interests of all South Africans.

You thought this bill was a bad idea? Well, nuts to you. We’re going to do it, and we’re not going to listen to your stupid concerns.  It’s going to be entrenched.  No pun intended.

We are extremely concerned about the rise in mining fatalities last year.

We can’t figure out why this mining thing is so dangerous. Men hacking away at rock, with rock above their heads. Someone should fix this.

We call on mining companies to work together with all stakeholders to ensure that mine accidents are dramatically reduced.

Fire the workers and mechanise.

One mining fatality is one too many.

Also mechanise the maintenance.

Fellow South Africans,

Ultimately, the growth of our economy will be sustained by small businesses, as is the case in many countries.

That’s because we’re going to destroy all the big companies. Watch us.

It is our shared responsibility to grow this vital sector of the economy.

We deny all responsibility for our inevetable failure. We’re going to blame you, for stuffing up your part of the shared responsibility.

We will work with our social partners to build a small business support ecosystem that assists, nourishes and promotes entrepreneurs.

Yes, social partners are special people whom we are delegating our powers to, because they are not elected.

Government will honour its undertaking to set aside at least 30 percent of public procurement to SMMEs, cooperatives and township and rural enterprises.  We’re flusing money down the drain. No idea if this will work. Oh, and if the white people move to the township, they’re excluded.

We will continue to invest in small business incubation.  We’re going to make sure these people fail by showering them with unearned cash.

We encourage business to do the same.  We’re idiots, and so should you be.

The establishment through the CEOs Initiative of a small business fund – which currently stands at R1.5 billion – is an outstanding example of the role that the private sector can play.

Calling all con men: come and tell us about your great business plan and get your share of this free money. Let’s be like Nigeria, and learn how to scam, so we can build our economy by scamming the world.

Government is finalising a small business and innovation fund targeted at start-ups.

We’re not actually sure about that other fund, so we’re making another one.

We will reduce the regulatory barriers for small businesses.

Did I mention that we’re going to destroy big businesses?

We are also working to expand economic opportunities for people with disabilities.

All the important work in this country will be done by the blind, the lame and the deaf. Because that’s how economies grow.

Among other things, the Small Enterprise Finance Agency – SEFA – has launched a scheme to develop and fund entrepreneurs with disabilities called the Amavulandlela Funding Scheme.

More free money. Because disabled means that you are dependant on hand-outs.  You cannot possibly get a work that doesn’t require walking, hearing, seeing, etc.

Agriculture presents one of the greatest opportunities to significantly grow our economy and create jobs.

Agriculture made the largest contribution, by a significant margin, to the improved growth of our economy in the second and third quarters of 2017.

We noticed that when the weather improved, the crops improved. We find this deeply fascinating.

This year, we will take decisive action to realise the enormous economic potential of agriculture.

Yeah, we’re going to build our own weather control system, like HAARP.

We will accelerate our land redistribution programme not only to redress a grave historical injustice, but also to bring more producers into the agricultural sector and to make more land available for cultivation.

Just joking: we’re going to stuff it up. The great low intensity war programme against existing farmers is going to keep rolling on.  Maybe we won’t have to kill them all, and they’ll just go away.

We will pursue a comprehensive approach that makes effective use of all the mechanisms at our disposal.

There’s all these things we could do. We’re going to do stuff. It’s going to work.

Guided by the resolutions of the 54th National Conference of the governing party, this approach will include the expropriation of land without compensation.

Oh yes, we’re stealing everything. Because economic growth and things. But it’s very few people that we’re going to be stealing from.

We are determined that expropriation without compensation should be implemented in a way that increases agricultural production, improves food security and ensure that the land is returned to those from whom it was taken under colonialism and apartheid.

We’re going to do evil, that good may result.

Government will undertake a process of consultation to determine the modalities of the implementation of this resolution.  We actually haven’t got a clue how we’re going to do this, but we’ve figured out that we can use long words to disguise that.

We make a special call to financial institutions to be our partners in mobilising resources to accelerate the land redistribution programme as increased investment will be needed in this sector.  We’re going to blame the banks for not putting their money behind our stupid scheme.

Tourism is another area which provides our country with incredible opportunities to, quite literally, shine.

Tourism currently sustains 700,000 direct jobs and is performing better than most other growth sectors.

There is no reason why it can’t double in size.  But we’re working on destroying this too.

We have the most beautiful country in the world and the most hospitable people.  And a criminal class that we protect, who we don’t catch when they murder tourists.

This year, we will enhance support for destination marketing in key tourism markets and take further measures to reduce regulatory barriers and develop emerging tourism businesses.

More red tape.

We call on all South Africans to open their homes and their hearts to the world.

Those high walls that you put up to keep our murdering friends out of your houses? Please take those down.

Our prosperity as a nation depends on our ability to take full advantage rapid technological change.

This means that we urgently need to develop our capabilities in the areas of science, technology and innovation.

We will soon establish a Digital Industrial Revolution Commission, which will include the private sector and civil society, to ensure that our country is in a position to seize the opportunities and manage the challenges of rapid advances in information and communication technology.

We’re going to have meetings about this, until the people that we invited stop coming because they realise we’re not listening to them. We already had a meeting about this, and we have a cool name “DIRC”. Just hear how cool that sounds! We’re almost already there.

The drive towards the digital industrial revolution will be underpinned by the availability of efficient networks.

Oh yes, we’re also going to break the internet.  And your cell phone.

We will finalise our engagements with the telecommunications industry and other stakeholders to ensure that the allocation of spectrum reduces barriers to entry, promotes competition and reduces the cost to consumers.

You know all that spectrum? Well, we’re changing the rules. Nobody knows what the new rules are going to be. Come to our meetings, or we’ll do whatever we like. Actually, we’ll do whatever we like anyway, but we’ll say you agreed.

South Africa has acceded to the Tripartite Free Trade Area agreement, which brings together SADC, COMESA and the East African Community.

We’ve joined a committee.

The free trade area will combine markets of 26 countries with a population of nearly 625 million.

It’s a big committee.

It will open market access opportunities for South African export products, contribute to job creation and the growth of South Africa’s industrial sector.

It’s going to be amazing.

Negotiations towards the Continental Free Trade Agreement are progressing at a brisk pace, and it is expected that the framework agreement could be concluded soon.

We don’t know what it is, but the empty promises sound amazing.  There are meetings.

South Africa will this year take over the chair of the BRICS group of countries, and will give priority to the promotion of value-added trade and intra-BRICS investment into productive sectors.

Because you can’t export stuff to other countries without lots of red tape.

Fellow South Africans,

On the 1st of May this year, we will introduce the first national minimum wage in South Africa.

That youth unemployment thing? Well, that’s going to be permanent, from the 1st of May. If you haven’t got a job by then, you can forget about getting something basic, because all the basic beginner jobs will become illegal.

This historic achievement – a realisation of one of the demands of the Freedom Charter – is expected to increase the earnings of more than six million working South Africans and improve the living conditions of households across the country.

You remember when you all voted for the freedom charter? You didn’t? Not to worry, I’m a politician, and I can tell you that it’s a very good idea. If we just do what it says everything will be better in the communist hell hole we become.

The introduction of a national minimum wage was made possible by the determination of all social partners to reduce wage inequality while maintaining economic growth and employment creation.

We didn’t listen to anyone except “social partners”. Stuff you, employers. Go mechanise your operations.

It stands as another example of what is possible when South Africans engage in meaningful dialogue to resolve differences and confront challenges.

We talk and talk and talk. And then we talk and talk and talk. And then we tell you how wonderful our plan is. There’s no way it’s stupid.

To ensure greater coherence and consistency in the implementation of economic policy – and to ensure that we are better equipped to respond to changing economic circumstances – I will be appointing a Presidential Economic Advisory Council.

I don’t know how this stuff works, but I’m gonna get me some smart guys. This is not a bad idea.

It will draw on the expertise and capabilities that reside in labour, business, civil society and academia.

I’m going to get me a team of smart guys with weird and contradictory ideas. It’s gonna be cool.

The country remains gripped by one of the most devastating droughts in a century, which has severely impacted our economy, social services and agricultural production.

Has anyone seen Elijah? I’m pretty sure he’s behind this.

The drought situation in the Western Cape, Eastern Cape and Northern Cape has been elevated to a national state of disaster.

It’s kinda weird, how it’s not raining like it should. But we’ve done nothing wrong. We’re going to handle it.  We definitely don’t need to rethink our more murderous and bloody policies.

This gives national government the authority to manage and coordinate our response nationally with support from all provinces.

We’ve been doing very little until now, and that’s something of a mistake.

This will ensure that we also heighten integrated measures to support the provinces that are hardest hit.

Because integration is what is going to differentiate us.

We are looking at activating the necessary extraordinary measures permitted under the legislation.

Maybe we’ll actually do something. Probably not. But we are looking at it.

I commend the people of Cape Town and the rest of the Western Cape for diligently observing water saving measures.

We call on everyone in the country to use water sparingly as we are a water-scarce country that relies on this vital resource to realise our development aspirations.

All your water are us.

Honourable Members,

On 16 December last year, former President Jacob Zuma announced that government would be phasing in fully subsidised free higher education and training for poor and working class South Africans over a five-year period.  What a great guy.

Starting this year, free higher education and training will be available to first year students from households with a gross combined annual income of up to R350,000.

That’s 30k per month. We’ll just assume that you don’t have lots of kids – your expenses are irrelevant, just your income.  Besides, this is just a temporary measure until the price of bread reaches R35000 per loaf, and this doesn’t apply to any household having living people anymore.

The Minister of Higher Education and Training will lead the implementation of this policy, while the Minister of Finance will clarify all aspects of the financing of the scheme during his Budget Speech next week.

I’ve got these guys. They each have their own things. They’re going to do this. Don’t blame me.

In addition to promoting social justice, an investment of this scale in higher education is expected to contribute to greater economic growth, reduce poverty, reduce inequality, enhance earnings and increase the competitiveness of our economy.

We’re going to throw money around, and then amazing things are going to happen – we will be fully buzzword compliant.

Government will continue to invest in expanding access to quality basic education and improving the outcomes of our public schools.

Schools are doing so great, and they’re going to do even better. That youth unemployment thing has nothing to do with the quality of education we’re providing there.

The Funza Lushaka Bursary programme plans to award 39,500 bursaries for Initial Teacher Education over the next three years.

In an historic first, from the beginning of this year, all public schools have begun offering an African language.

And just to be clear, although Afrikaans is an African language, we’re have arbitarily excluded it because it sounds too much like Flemish, and the people speaking it are too white, or too white-ish.

Also significant is the implementation of the first National Senior Certificate examination on South African Sign Language, which will be offered to deaf learners at the end of 2018.

Because our deaf kids need to be able talk to other deaf kids, and will never need to travel abroad.

The Accelerated Schools Infrastructure Delivery Initiative programme continues to deliver modern facilities to schools in rural and underprivileged urban areas across the country, with at least 187 schools being complete to date.

We’re finally getting to building those buildings that we burnt down a few years ago.

The programme will complete all outstanding projects by the end of the next financial year.  But at the end of the year, we’re going to stop. We’re not thinking ahead.

Social grants remain a vital lifeline for millions of our people living in poverty.  And since we give them life, they will love us, and vote for us forever.

We will urgently take decisive steps to comply with the all directions of the Constitutional Court.  Bloody court told us not to crook the books.

I want to personally allay fears of any disruption to the efficient delivery of this critical service, and will take action to ensure no person in government is undermining implementation deadlines set by the court.  I want to, but I cannot. I’ll take action, but I’m not sure what will happen. You know the post office that doesn’t deliver your mail when it has valuable stuff in? Well, they’re going to get this done.

We will finalise work on a permanent public sector-led hybrid model, which will allow a set of public and private sector service providers to offer beneficiaries maximum choice, access and convenience.  I’m just reading this sentence. It’s not clear what it means, and that’s the point. What I mean is we’re going to have so many different ways of getting your social grant that it will be your fault if you don’t. There will be no confusion. Like this sentence.

This year, we will take the next critical steps to eliminate HIV from our midst.

We’re thinking of adopting the cyrillic alphabet, which will completely eliminate those 3 pesky latin letters.

By scaling up our testing and treating campaign, we will initiate an additional two million people on antiretroviral treatment by December 2020.

Our plan is to increase the number of carriers of the disease. We’re not going to do anything about fornication, adultery and sodomy, since those are all protected by the laws we made.  Science man.  It’s all science.

We will also need to confront lifestyles diseases such as high blood pressure, diabetes, cancers and cardiovascular diseases.

Please don’t concentrate on HIV. Look here: we’re going to do stuff about other medical problems.

In the next three months we will launch a huge cancer campaign similar to the HIV counselling and testing campaign.

We’re going to roll those nasty cervical cancer vaccines that kill teenage girls in the rest of the world. Never mind that these things require sexually transmitted diseases to actually be a problem. We’re all about the solution, not solving the problem.

This will also involve the private sector as we need to mobilise all resources to fight this disease.  Actually, we don’t know if this will work. Anyone interested in helping here?

The time has now arrived to finally implement universal health coverage through the National Health Insurance.  Because it’s been such a roaring success in Britain, and in the USA, we should do it too, but ours is going to have an African flavour, in which it never works at all.

The NHI Bill is now ready to be processed through government and will be submitted to Parliament in the next few weeks.  We want you to think of this as insurance, but it’s just a tax. Suckers.

Certain NHI projects targeting the most vulnerable people in society will commence in April this year.  You’re going to die in our uncaring hospitals.

In improving the quality of life of all South Africans, we must intensify our efforts to tackle crime and build safer communities.  We must, but we’re not going to. We’re not going to fix up the legal system to process criminal cases speedily. We’re not going to bring back corporal punishment. We’re not going to bring back the death penalty, except for being a law abiding citizen.

During the course of this year, the Community Policing Strategy will be implemented, with the aim of gaining the trust of the community and to secure their full involvement in the fight against crime.  You know what the problem is with crime? It’s law abiding citizens. They’re not involved enough.

The introduction of a Youth Crime Prevention Strategy will empower and support young people to be self-sufficient and become involved in crime fighting initiatives.  Street committees full of interfering officious empty headed youths.

A key focus this year will be the distribution of resources to police station level.

This will include personnel and other resources, to restore capacity and experience at the level at which crime is most effectively combated.

We’re going to shuffle policemen around until their morale is completely destroyed. And we’re going to take be from those that take care of their stuff, and give it to those that break it.

In recognising the critical role that NGOs and community-based organisation play in tackling poverty, inequality and related social problems, we will convene a Social Sector Summit during the course of this year.  We’re completely spellbound by the fantastical tales told to us by NGOs. We’re going to have a meeting where they are going to spin us other tales and fables. We’re all going to eat and drink together. It will be awesome. Watch the press for details.

Among other things, this Summit should seek to improve the interface between the state and civil society and address the challenges that NGOs and CBOs face.  We’re going to change the rules, and some lucky winner is going to become a state sponsored organisation.

Fellow South Africans,

Growth, development and transformation depend on a strong and capable state.  Without us, you are powerless! Without me, you can do nothing!

It is critical that the structure and size of the state is optimally suited to meet the needs of the people and ensure the most efficient allocation of public resources.  Stability. We’re going to be stable. Once we figure out how we’re doing what we’re doing.

We will therefore initiate a process to review the configuration, number and size of national government departments.  We’ve got all these departments. It seems like a lot, so maybe we’re going to take something away. Or maybe not.

Many of our state owned enterprises are experiencing severe financial, operation and governance challenges, which has impacted on the performance of the economy and placed pressure on the fiscus.

We will intervene decisively to stabilise and revitalise state owned enterprises.

We’re going to throw more money at SAA so the can hand it to the new state capturers and put another marxist in charge of the SABC.

The recent action we have taken at Eskom to strengthen governance, root out corruption and restore its financial position is just the beginning.

Our next strongly worded letter will use really strong words, like “displeased”.

Government will take further measures to ensure that all state owned companies fulfil their economic and developmental mandates.

I found out that these companies are supposed to be doing stuff. Well, if they’re not going to do stuff, then we’re going to have to write them a strongly worded letter.

We will need to confront the reality that the challenges at some of our SOEs are structural – that they do not have a sufficient revenue stream to fund their operational costs.

These people have been spinning us lies, and we’ve believed them completely. The question of reducing the number of caviar dinners and worthless contractors is out of the question.

These SOEs cannot borrow their way out of their financial difficulties, and we will therefore undertake a process of consultation with all stakeholders to review the funding model of SOEs and other measures.

We’re going to have meetings. Meetings are a great substitute for work.

We will change the way that boards are appointed so that only people with expertise, experience and integrity serve in these vital positions.

And who has more integrity than those that have impeccable party credentials and connections?

We will remove board members from any role in procurement and work with the Auditor-General to strengthen external audit processes.

Yeah. The board mustn’t make decisions. They must just act board. We want a non-executive board. Otherwise the auditor general will sort it all out.

As we address challenges in specific companies, work will continue on the broad architecture of the state owned enterprises sector to achieve better coordination, oversight and sustainability.

This whole company thing is a strange and foreign construct that we’re going to look into. After we’ve looked into it, we’re going to know what to do. It’s going to be better. And good too.

This is the year in which we will turn the tide of corruption in our public institutions.

You think you’ve seen the height of corruption? Well, we’re yet to turn the tide. Watch this space.

The criminal justice institutions have been taking initiatives that will enable us to deal effectively with corruption.  I read the report by criminal justice, and I couldn’t make head or tail of it. And that was just the executive summary. We must try to get lawyers that speak English some time.

The commission of inquiry into state capture headed by the Deputy Chief Justice, Judge Raymond Zondo, is expected to commence its work shortly.

We’re going to air only such dirty laundry as will make the incumbents look good.

The Commission is critical to ensuring that the extent and nature of state capture is established, that confidence in public institutions is restored and that those responsible for any wrongdoing are identified.

We seriously haven’t a clue by what means that sneaky genius who previously occupied this honourable seat siphoned money from the state. We didn’t know anything. As his deputy, I really didn’t know anything.  My hands are clean.  I am without sin.

The Commission should not displace the regular work of the country’s law enforcement agencies in investigating and prosecuting any and all acts of corruption.  Are we confused yet?

Amasela aba imali ka Rhilumente mawabanjwe.

The love of money is the root of all evil.

We must fight corruption, fraud and collusion in the private sector with the same purpose and intensity.

Yeah, we’ve really been fighting fraud. Never mind murder, rape and armed robbery.

We must remember that every time someone receives a bribe there is someone who is prepared to pay it.

And there’s a stack of stupid law that is unevenly applied to enable it.

We will make sure that we deal with both in an effective manner.

But let me tell you what we won’t do: we won’t review BEE, which is the power behind this corruption.

We urge professional bodies and regulatory authorities to take action against members who are found to have acted improperly and unethically.

We’re going to point out the bad people, and instead of punishing them with criminal sanctions, we’re going to ask their professional peers to shun them.

This requires that we strengthen law enforcement institutions and that we shield them from external interference or manipulation.  People are messing with the police.

We will urgently attend to the leadership issues at the National Prosecuting Authority to ensure that this critical institution is stabilised and able to perform its mandate unhindered.  People are messing with our prosecutors.

We will also take steps to stabilise and strengthen vital institutions like the South African Revenue Service.  We don’t even know what’s going on with the tax man.

We must understand that tax morality is dependent on an implicit contract between taxpayers and government that state spending provides value for money and is free from corruption.

We’ve been breaking our side of the contract for a long time, and we’re really rather worried that the sheeple might start noticing.

At the request of the Minister of Finance, I will shortly appoint a Commission of Inquiry into Tax Administration and Governance of SARS, to ensure that we restore the credibility of the Service and strengthen its capacity to meet its revenue targets.

It’s so bad, that we’re going to have meetings.

Our state employs one million public servants.

The majority of them serve our people with diligence and commitment.

We applaud them for the excellent work they do.

However, we know the challenges that our people face when they interact with the state.

All those nice things I said? People are not convinced.

In too many cases, they often get poor service or no service at all.

Our lazy and inefficient staff aren’t doing their job.

We want our public servants to adhere to the principle of Batho Pele, of putting our people first.

Because telling people to do the job that they are employed to do is completely beyond us. We need them to choose to do this out of the goodness of their heart.

We are determined that everyone in public service should undertake their responsibilities with efficiency, diligence and integrity.

Or they will get fired and publicly shamed?

We want to instil a new discipline, to do things correctly, to do them completely and to do them timeously. We call on all public servants to become agents for change.

You bunch of lazy bums: do your jobs.

During the course of the next few months, I will visit every national department to engage with the senior leadership to ensure that the work of government is effectively aligned.

You guys not doing your jobs: relax: you’re safe. I’m just going to talk to your inefficient bosses.

I will also find time to meet with provincial and local government leaders to ensure that the state, in its entirety, responds to the pressing needs of our people.

Anybody need a toilet break?

Fellow South Africans,

Our country has entered a period of change.

That stability we promised? We weren’t serious.

While change can produce uncertainty, even anxiety, it also offers great opportunities for renewal and revitalisation, and for progress.

If you survive the crazy stuff we’re going to do, you might be okay.

Together we are going to make history.

Like the Irish potato famine, like the great leap forward, like the killing fields of Cambodia.

We have done it before and we will do it again – bonded by our common love for our country, resolute in our determination to overcome the challenges that lie ahead and convinced that by working together we will build the fair and just and decent society to which Nelson Mandela dedicated his life.

All this working together: we don’t have time for people that just do their own work. And don’t forget saint Nelson our ancestor.

As I conclude, allow me to recall the words of the late great Bra Hugh Masekela.

In his song, ‘Thuma Mina’, he anticipated a day of renewal, of new beginnings.

He sang:

“I wanna be there when the people start to turn it around
When they triumph over poverty
I wanna be there when the people win the battle against AIDS
I wanna lend a hand
I wanna be there for the alcoholic
I wanna be there for the drug addict
I wanna be there for the victims of violence and abuse
I wanna lend a hand
Send me.”

And I should mention that Hugh’s dead now, so I guess he’s not going to be.

We are at a moment in the history of our nation when the people, through their determination, have started to turn the country around.

There were people still trying to turn it away from the precipice, but now we will rush directly over the edge.

We can envisage the triumph over poverty, we can see the end of the battle against AIDS.

We’re dreamers that have no constructive plan, and yet we hope for no reason that we will succeed.

Now is the time to lend a hand.

Now is the time for each of us to say ‘send me’.

Now is the time for all of us to work together, in honour of Nelson Mandela, to build a new, better South Africa for all.

A bitter laugh for all.

I thank you.

When Rehoboam, the son of Solomon, said to his people, “My father made your yoke heavy, and I will add to your yoke” the people replied, “What portion have we in David? neither have we inheritance in the son of Jesse: to your tents, O Israel: now see to thine own house, David.”  I don’t much care about the empty promises President Ramaphosa made to his friends: he says he’s going to chastise his enemies with scorpions.  He should sort his house out, and let us all know how it works out for him.

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